Chasing Checkereds With Cannon: Hannah's PPD Story

7:07 PM

Everyone said "when he's born, your world will be changed forever ". This is true....I just didn't know how much, or how rocky it would be.

Liam came earlier than expected. 6 weeks and 2 days to be exact ...and on top of that my water broke while I was several hours away from home. But it was all good....my boyfriend, Eric made it to the hospital in time for the delivery and my son Liam was born. He was a perfect size..5lbs 10 oz. Because he was born early he had to stay in the NICU. We had him transported to our local hospital where he would spend the next 11 days.

My world rolled down the hallway that day... and I couldn't go.

When I arrived at our local NICU, I was still high and in euphoria from having him but lacking sleep. Of those 11 days, I only left the NICU a few nights because Eric made me realize that I needed sleep. He said not being one hundred percent was not doing Liam any good. I remember the first night I didn't stay at the hospital. I cried and cried hugging his blanket. It smelled like my sweet baby boy. But still I thought, that's normal..... wouldn't any mom hate leaving their new baby?

Home at last we went. I was the happiest I'd ever been, I thought. Until I got a phone call at 10:05 pm that a dear friend of mine had been in a horrible car accident. He passed a week or so later and that set the dominos off.

I was unable to sleep, I now realize my first month home with Liam was a fog. I kept blaming myself for Liam being born early. I questioned everything... did I do something wrong? Was I spending enough time with him? Did I hold him too much? Why did he spit up? Did I not burp him well enough? This was not me.

I remember one day, everything came crashing down. I sat in the kitchen floor and told Eric I didn't want to live anymore. Him and Liam would be better off without me. I knew it was time to seek help. I saw the Dr the next day. He adjusted my medicine and I started seeing a therapist every two to three weeks.

I still have bad days, but not anything like those darkest times. Liam is my world and he can always put a smile on his mama's face.

I'm so glad Eric has been so supportive and I'm thankful for my family and friends and my new friends that helped me and continue to help me with this struggle. It's getting better day by day.

Hannah's PPD Story

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