Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Bouncing Back From PPD/A
I want to talk about a topic that has impacted my life in so many ways- Postpartum anxiety and depression (PPD/A). The nine months leading up to Cannon's birth were great. I had no morning sickness and only suffered from high blood pressure. I was never worried about PPD/A because I have always dreamed about being a mom and spent many years and thousands of dollars trying to conceive our miracle so it hit me like a ton of bricks when I started getting symptoms. I wanted to believe that it was the "baby blues" and that these feelings would leave within a few weeks but deep down I knew it was something bigger.
About two weeks after Cannon was born I remember sitting beside my husband wishing my life would go back to normal. I wasn't sure I liked my new life or that I was going to be a "good" mom. It was a constant thought. I worried about how I was supposed to entertain him, how I was supposed to know what to do with him when he cried and so many other fears. Overall, I just felt overwhelmed and anxious. I would cry every day and wake up sick to my stomach. I knew something wasn't right. I knew I wasn't myself and I called my sister and begged her to help me. I am very grateful for such a supportive family. They are what got me through this very difficult time, along with my faith and medicine. One thing that my sister told me that day was PPD does not discriminate. It doesn't care about your race, your social status or your desire to be a mom.
Over the next two months I began running each morning, seeing a therapist for anxiety and spending quality time with those who are so important to me. Since my husband was out of town a lot my family took shifts staying the night with me and making sure I was never alone. Looking back, these are some of my greatest memories. It was during this time, that I built a very close bond with my sisters and relied on their knowledge as mothers to help me. I enjoyed eating dinner with them every night and even sharing my bed with them. Of course my mom was with me every step of the way and was my cheerleader. It's funny how that happens- how God can take something so terrible and line it with silver.
Cannon is now almost 6 months old and I have had no PPD/A symptoms in 9 weeks (yes I count). The reason I decided to share my story is because I have at least six close friends who are in the depths of this horrible illness and these are just the brave ones who have decided to share their story. I have learned that being open was one of the reasons I was able to heal. I surrounded myself with people who would not judge me (this was a huge trigger for me) and I shared my fears and anxieties with them. They talked me through my irrational fears and really helped me to see that I knew what I was doing all along.
There were so many days I would plead with God to help me to be "normal" again. I wondered if it was possible to ever return to my old self. I am here today to tell you that it is absolutely possible to return to normal. I thank God every day for getting me through those dark moments and for blessing me with the most wonderful little boy ever.
If you are reading this and you are struggling with PPD/A please let someone close to you know. If they are not supportive, tell someone else. Keep talking until someone hears you. Speak with your doctor and see if medicine/talk therapy is an option for you.
Finally, I want to say thank you to my Husband, mom, Dad, sisters and nieces and nephews for getting me through those dark days and never leaving my side. I love you all.
Finally, I want to say thank you to my Husband, mom, Dad, sisters and nieces and nephews for getting me through those dark days and never leaving my side. I love you all.
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I am so glad you bounced back so well!! I, too, suffered from this when I had my first baby, Lili, but it was 20 years ago and folks just didn't talk about it much, so I didn't really realize what was happening to me. I had also lost my mom during my pregnancy, so I thought that may be why I felt so alone and incapable of being a good mom. I remember thinking just like you said, that I had longed to be a mom for many years and just couldn't understand my emotions. At the time, my sister was also living in Texas, so I didn't have her to turn to either, but thankfully, my aunts, my best friend, my Dad and my husband helped me realize something was happening, BUT I still didn't have a doctor suggesting medication or therapy. I ended up stopping breastfeeding because of the demands of work and then my hormones started to normalize some. Five years later, I had my little boy and the same symptoms started to return -- I was so afraid at first, but this time, I had a different doctor who recognized it as a problem and he helped tremendously. I'm so thankful PPD/A is being talked about more and new moms are seeking/receiving help. It is REAL!!
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